Has it been a year?

April 5th, 2017 I pulled out a sketchbook with a few half-assed drawings and shopping lists in it, tore those out and started actually keeping a sketchbook/low key art journal for the first time since high school.

Now, a year later, I filled my third (fourth, if we want to acknowledge one of the books was done both fronts and backs).

It was a trip flipping through all the pages last night. There, in sloppy sketches, short notes, little pictures, was the full last year. Roadtrips, early character sketches, pie journaling, child obtainment, court process, the great 2017 migration, bad days and good days and holidays. It felt impossible at the time for me to even finish the first sketchbook, I'm really happy now I started then.

Anyway, here's a few highlights of this sketchbook.

No cover-art this go around, save for this derpy lil dragon. No title either. Just straight into it.

I did mostly watercolor again, but I used it in a lot of different ways and styles.

I caught a few memories that had been floating around in my head.

And started a project illustrating and recording my dreams. 

The dream paintings, like everything else, didn't stick to one style either. This is my favorite one of them, I think, for how understated it is.

I drew/ painted/ carved a fair amount of skulls. "Memento Mori" was probably written/painted in here more than any other phrase. I spent a lot of time meditating on the transient nature of life and detachment from self the last few months. Which has somewhat helped in my creating, as a person paralyzed by the idea of perpetuality, it feels a pressure off to live in the moment and not focus on always attempting to make art of eternal great importance. Ironically, in accepting this, I have created more artwork that I think I will still find important years from now.

And sometimes, when I was not busy basking in the comfort of my mortality, I found time to draw some dumb shit that makes the kid laugh.

More dreams. I liked this one a lot, very loose and dream-like.

I took more time to paint from life as well. The kid plays some beautiful music and I sit on his floor to paint a lot and just spend time in proximity of each other. It's nice. He lets me pick out sheet music for him to learn, which is an endless source of amusement.

We even took a trip to the park and I painted the little coffee shop building there. I had no idea I would love painting buildings so much.

Still at the park, a quick study of the ground and the sky.

The last page. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about the little red pump by the pond in my grandparents' backyard. I would spend so much time playing with the pump, using a cottage cheese container to pour water in and pumping my arms frantically to try to get the water flowing. I felt like that pump this last week, like I just needed some water and faith and flailing to get myself going and where I wanted to be again. And that maybe I need to accept that sometimes the pump will dry out again and I'll need to start over again with my cottage cheese container and flailing.

2018: Let Go & Thrive

People keep telling me about their word of the year. I admit, I thought it was kind of a cop out the first few times I heard the concept. Like an ambiguous word doesn't really have that much tangible accountability. Mind you, this is coming from someone who schedules eating 3 meals a day into their planner to make sure I don't go flailing off track, so don't take it as me being snobby.

But this year I set a word. Thrive. Which, more specifically, is making efforts to change my mindset from "survive" to "thrive". And the first step to this, because of course I am breaking down a word into steps, is LET GO.

I am endeavoring to let go of my ideas. Especially with my novels. I keep having these dreams of being a ghost and I realized it is because I have been writing in a vacuum, trying to make everything perfect to me, 3 novels worth of perfect, before doing anything with them.

I decided a few nights ago that I am going to focus my work on the main novel, the first one, and leave the other ones in the closet (so to speak) until such time as the first novel is published. If I want a break on the novel, I can start something completely unrelated. But writing a trilogy all at once before sending out any queries on the first one is insane...

But I was doing it because I need to let go of my fears too. I need to let go of my need to be validated. Need to let go of the idea of rejection being a bad thing and embrace that rejections mean you have been trying. And need to accept, that at the end of the day, it is ok to do some projects that are just for me, as long as they are not for me, forever. Because at the end of the day, art and writing exist to be shared, not hoarded.

Horace the Grotesque is actually looking for a forever home, if you really love him. 

Finally, I need to let go of some of my expectations for myself as an artist. I am, at my very core, an eclectic person. My art is eclectic, my writing is eclectic. There is no one style I could stick with and be content. I like to stencil pleasant pop art doggies. I like to make horrible creepy grotesque masks out of paper clay. I like to do painstaking realism paintings in ink. So many artists I follow you can scroll through their instagram feeds and they have a brand, all their content looks pleasingly similar. Mine looks like it was run by about 15 different people. And that's ok, having a "brand" is ok, so is not having one.

I need to let go of that nagging itch to compare myself to other artists.

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"remember that you will die" (and remember that first, you will live.)

Happy 2018, procrastinators.

Mermaids or When I'm being honest

Back in October I was playing along with the whole "inktober"  make something inky every day thing. I'd say it was a particularly rough month for me, but with how often I use that phrase I think it's just kind of a perpetual thing. 

Anyhow, I wanted to pretend to have some sort of inspiration so I could post something neat-o on instagram instead of another fucking hand. I started to go for a very safe, very cliche mermaid. And then I veered wildly off into what chronic depression / anxiety has felt like to me. That I am being gnawed at and fighting constantly no matter how well I look like I am doing or how much creative energy I am putting out into the world.

I came up with this little sketch and really liked the concept. It kept bouncing around in my head and finally last week I had time to revisit it. 

This started with redrawing the sketch with actual human anatomy in mind. I notice I tend towards the same simplified style when I am doodling, which gets the point across for me to redraw it later, is all I can really say about it. 

I tried to de-cute the depression fish monster a bit while I was at it. 

Carved a stamp. I like texture in my stamps, usually, so I tend to make sure to carve neatly so that any stray lines capture the form instead of just being wonky. Same concept as if you were making a drawing just with a bunch of lines, except you don't know for sure which are going to actually show up until it's done. 

Print of the stamp. Also how I realized I really need to buy an ink pad that costs more than a buck if I am going to spend so much time dealing in stamps now. 

I did a test print on a dictionary page. And determined I also need to just get some good printing ink and find where my brayer got off to. 

It amused me, in a sort of sad way, that one of the conversations I had when showing the prints off went like this:

"Look, I made a stamp."

"I see. It's a mermaid."

"Well, kinda. It's a woman being eaten by a horrible fish monster."

"Oh."

"See? She's trying to hold it off so it won't consume her completely."

"huh. She looks like she's doing well and pretty happy."

Which I guess just means I got exactly what I was going for in the stamp. 

place your bets now if next week will be back to pets. 

inktober 2017 part 1

It is October. It is cold. I really want to just hide in bed with my electric tea kettle and weep softly to myself. But for some reason I am doing inktober and just keep showing up. Here's my first eleven drawings. 

Day one. I never use the prompts for things like this. Prompts are hard enough for me to work from anyway, but I just generally don't like restrictions. So I started off perched in the corner of the bathtub watching over the beardie I've been babysitting. Trust me, it was nerve-wracking since I am using  the backs of the pages in the full sketchbook from last post.

Day two. A hand. Really my go to now, as you all know. I've been struggling a bit with inspiration, so I keep just falling back to hands.

Day three. One drawing exercise I like is drawing a self portrait, looking down. It's good practice in perspective and also makes for a pretty interesting drawing. 

Day four. I tend to over do shading when I draw because I always bee line towards realism, which is weird because I don't actually follow through with the time it takes to achieve realism, so I end up with a lot of shading stylized. Anyway, I tried not to do that and really liked the results. I've been trying in the other art I have been doing to put in more bold colors and interpretation instead of beelining for the comfort zone of crappy inefficient photocopier.

Day five. I just was not feeling it. I started in for a super detailed lizard hand (because I almost started another me hand) and just lost interest. The result is a sketch I really enjoy because it gets the gist across fine without a ton of extra. 

Day 6. Back to hands and messy shading again. Although I do still like the hands and I enjoy doing them, and enjoy doing art I enjoy...

Day 7. ...I really really want to not let this be my new rut. At least today has some color, although I still went right back to that sloppy ass ugly cross hatching. I need someone to come 'round with a spray bottle and watch me while I draw.

Day eight. I actually missed a day and made this up the next. It might be yet another hand, but the bold lines and minimal shading please me greatly. This style feels so much cleaner while still looking like "my" style. Well, kinda. My sloppy crosshatching and over shading make everything I draw look kinda filthy, really.

Day nine. Just wanting to goof around a bit, I started with drawing some ceramic teeth I had lying around and then decided to give them a mouth and a monster. The kinda realish and gory look of the mouth teamed with the derpy ass monster cracks me up, even though I wish I had taken the rest of the drawing to the same level as the mouth.

Day ten. Oh gee. another fucking hand. Started painting with the inks a bit though, which is divine.

Day eleven. Almost blew it off. Almost did a hand. Almost did a cliche' mermaid. Ended up doing a little conceptual deal of how I have been feeling especially the last few weeks. No matter how much light I sprinkle on, how much I create, how much I get my exercise and sleep and three meals a day and blah blah blah, I still feel like I am being consumed by a black mass. But I keep showing up and sprinkling the light on and hoping it will feel less that way tomorrow.

That's all I got this week. Keep sprinkling on the light and I'll show up again next week.